Vol 1. The Panic Attack
Sometimes you may look at someone and think that they have everything under control. The truth is, you never really know the inner battles people have to face. I’d like to think that I can compose myself in front of people well. I am able to live day to day with a sense of fulfilment. However, some days I am unable to function, my body cant move and my world stops. I can hear nothing going on around me and I see many images. These images quickly turn into vivid memories of the past.
There are days when I can’t function and the war with myself begins. My body shuts down and I weep. It feels like my heart is attacking my mind because my mind is too honest and my heart is so broken. My heart is so desperate to heal that it’s comfortable with hearing a lie in order to escape the pain. So the battle between my heart and mind begin. My heart tells my mind to “think about happier days, believe in those happy days and live in those happy days”. However, my mind is brutally honest and says, “they’re over....happy days are gone....and your life has changed forever”. My heart tries to accept it but simply cant and I weep, panic and start to lose oxygen. I’m so heart broken and refuse to accept what I believe to be the truth. I start to shake and my body becomes very very weak because my heart just doesn’t want to accept this. I get so overwhelmed and very frustrated. I feel so defeated!
Why can’t my mind and heart work together to make me feel better?
My heart tells my mind to “at least make me pretend that everything is ok. Let me wake up, go to work, eat dinner with my family...let me just pretend like everything is ok”. Finally, my heart and mind compromise! They finally come to an agreement ....I’ll pretend like I’m ok. My body slowly starts to function again. I am able to get up and feel my limbs, open my eyes and wipe my tears.
You can never see a broken heart because it's inside... it hides from the truth and tries to protect itself from your mind...it truly is broken.
To be continued…